Donald Trump’s Letter to God
Thursday, April 5, 2018Dear God,
I’m Donald J. Trump. I guess you know already, but just in case you do not know, I am the 45th president of the United States of America. Okay, I’m just messing around. I know that you are fully aware of who I am. After all, all TV channels in heaven are talking about me just the same way they are doing on Earth. Humongous, isn’t it? I am a ratings bonanza for them here on Earth. And I believe it must be the same thing there in heaven.
Come to think of it, maybe I should ask the Pew people to conduct a poll. I bet you, I will come out more popular than you, at least here on Earth. When I get there, I will also give you a run for your money. Terrific run! Mind you, I am not in any rush to get there. So don’t start getting any ideas, buddy.
I would have preferred to send you a tweet, but you don’t have a verified Twitter account. Let me tell you, for a man of your status, that is a total disgrace, if you ask me. How do you clap back at your enemies, the Nancy Pelosis, the Obamas, and the Clintons, without a Twitter account? How? I don’t get it. Very disappointing!
Anyway, that is not why I am writing you today. God, I have never asked you for anything. Have I? I have never asked you for forgiveness. I don’t apologize for anything. So you should be excited that I am coming to you today with the best deal ever.
My friend pastor John Hagee said that if I moved the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem that you would do anything I ask you to do. I didn’t believe it at first. Then, the other night, you appeared in my dream and asked me to ask for anything, that you would grant it. It told me you were ready to strike a deal. I will now lay out for you the deal.
I am sure you saw me going to church on Easter day. You know I wasn’t there to show reverence to you or to your son, Jesus. Forget about his mother – I place all women where they belong – on a different floor from mine. My people said the optics of me going to church was good politics, so I did that. It keeps my poorly educated followers very happy. Just like your followers who are deplorable. I mean, it is the only thing that I agree on with Crooked Hillary Clinton, even though I must not say so in public.
I write to you because the other day, upon my request, my generals showed me what our nuclear arsenals could do. You would not believe this. Do you know that I have the power to wipe out your prized creation, Earth, in just thirty seconds? All I need to do is to wait for the absence of General Kelly, maybe when he is in the toilet. Then I will grab the box containing the nuclear codes. Once I press some buttons (I have them written on my thighs), voilà! North Korea, China, and Russia are off the map of the world. Wait, did I say Russia? That was a mistake.
Last time I checked, I do not have a Trump Tower that I built with my own money in any of those countries. This power to destroy the world is very intoxicating. I wonder how you feel knowing that you have similar powers as I do. I guess the difference is that unlike me, you don’t have Congress to explain your actions to. You don’t have those unpatriotic knucklehead Democrats flexing their filibuster threat.
My question for you is this: if you had not destroyed the world in Noah’s time, do you think that people would have this respect that they have for you now? I don’t think so. That is why I am thinking of wiping two or three countries off the face of this earth, and right there I would be ranked higher than any other American president ever. Ever! Ever! Ever!
Learning from your action in Lot’s country, Sodom and Gomorrah, all that I need to do is to make a case for the attack of those countries. Maybe I should say that they were taking gold showers in those countries on a Sunday morning. I can pull off an easy case against Iran and North Korea. I know Americans will want me to add Russia, their archenemy, to that list, but that is not happening. Putin and I will dominate the world the way Hitler and Mussolini dreamt of. Of course, I won’t acknowledge this publicly, or some of those liberal types would lose their minds. If Hitler and Mussolini had won, the whole of the Western world would have become like Germany without those two million Muslims that Angela Merkel allowed in. Total disaster.
While I have your attention, let me ask you… can you reverse time and make me look the way I did when I was in the US Military Academy in New York. Remember? I mean, you should be able to do so, if you truly are the all-powerful God. Do it slowly so that you won’t scare Americans. Instead of letting me grow older in the next seven years of my presidency, make me grow younger and younger until I stabilize as that dashing young man women were dying to date. If you do that transformation, I am sure that the American people would be so impressed that they would suspend their constitution and ask me to keep ruling as their president forever.
After all, the Chinese just did that for Xi Jinping, and the Russians just did the same for Vladimir Putin. America would need a strong man like me in power to keep up with those two. Frankly, I can take care of figuring out how to manipulate public opinion to get what I want. My good friend Putin has promised to help. Good guy! The only thing that can stop me is this age thing and growing old. Americans like their presidents young. I am sure you can do it. Whatever you want me to do for you to raise your profile, I will gladly do so. To be honest with you, if you want me to renovate your throne in heaven, I will send my Mexican workers over to take care of that for you.
While you think about my request, can you make that fucking Robert Mueller disappear? He is the worst person that you ever created. I know you can do it. After all, you made the Titanic sink. You can get one of those alien ships that are on America’s skyline every night to come down and pick him up and take him to Jupiter where he belongs. I will ask our air force to hold fire until the operation has been successfully completed. Nobody gets hurt. Please drop him in the same Arabian Sea where Obama dropped Osama. Let the same whale that ate Osama eat him. Like I said, nobody gets hurt. If you do that, I promise to name that sea “Trump Sea.” Why not? By the way, why is there no sea named after Trump? Long overdue, if you ask me.
I need to enjoy my presidency, you know. I need to put my legs up on the center table and relax. I need to enjoy the Oval Office the same way Bill Clinton did. I am sure Bill was not having fun when Kenneth Starr was all up in his business. Obama wouldn’t have brought Stevie Wonder and that thug, Common, to perform in the White House if he had a Mueller after his black ass over his birth certificate or for smoking weed at Columbia University. Believe me, I have held up fine under intense pressure that no president in the history of America has endured.
Don’t tell me about Nixon. Nixon was a crook; I am sure you know that. Me, I only sell my name to buildings and most probably, my soul to women. Not bad… considering how rich I am. But you are used to that. King David did worse things and you still struck a deal with him and his household that the Jews could have the Star of David on their flag. I want the Star of Trump on the American flag. If I need to make a sacrifice to redeem myself, I am willing to sacrifice any of my children, with the exception of Ivanka.
I don’t want to be selfish, my guy. If you need me to take care of anything for you here on Earth, just say so. You know what? You and I can form a partnership. You take care of some things from over there while I take care of some other things over here for you. Trust me, it can help fix your damaged reputation. I can absorb some blame from you while you do the same for me. The stupid amendments to the US Constitution won’t let me do some things that I want to do. Bigly frustrating!
Oh, one more thing – about Ivanka. Is there any chance that you can make an exception to the rule? You know the rule that I am talking about. After all, Cain and Abel did something with their siblings or mother or daughter or alien to keep your creation going. My White House doctor, rear admiral Ronny Jackson, told me that genetic sexual attraction (GSA) is a real medical condition. So I am sure that you understand perfectly what I’m going through.
Don’t think that I am crazy for raising these issues. You are the one that is considered bipolar or at least schizophrenic. Based on how destructive you are and quick-tempered, I think I am mild in comparison.
My proposal would be a win-win for us. Anyway, I have to go. General Kelly is bringing Melania over to see me.
Yours truly,
Donald J. Trump The 45th President of the United States of America.
