Donald Trump’s Letter to His Son’s Teacher
Tuesday, March 20, 2018Dear Teacher,
Today is the birthday of my son, Barron. I write you today because I need your help to teach my amazing son, Barron, some universal truths that I subscribe to and highly recommend for any young man who wants to be a success in America. I’m living proof that you don’t need to fight in Vietnam or Iraq or Afghanistan to be a success. Believe me, those days are gone.
My son is a fantastic kid, just like his father. I would have taught him myself, but I am very busy running the country, making our America great again. It is a super tremendous responsibility, and I am sure that you appreciate my wholesome dedication to the task. I’m bigly kicking butts and giving the enemies of America hell. Dear teacher, don’t teach him that Cold War era nonsense that I was taught at the Wharton School about Russia being an enemy of America.
No one really knows, but I suspect that my son is watching the filth that the fake news media are peddling about me. Stormy Daniels. Karen McDougal. Nasty people. Terrible! I’m talking about all the salacious and bigoted lies they tell about a magnificent person like me. Very sad! How could more people have watched that disgrace of an interview that Stormy Daniels had with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, than my classy 60 Minutes interview? The pit of hell that is the Internet is full of those types. Dear teacher, we need to do something about it. Please, steer my son toward the very few sophisticated and right channels left in American media, like Fox News and Breitbart news site. Do it, and half of the job will be done.
He is a good guy, my son. I’m sure he will listen to you more than he listens to Melania or myself. He resists, even though deep inside him, I know that I’m the greatest superhero he knows. I see it in the way he looks at me in awe when it is raining and I hold up the umbrella and he follows behind. If you doubt me, ask him to name his greatest hero and watch him gush about me and the great feats that I am accomplishing for America each blessed day to the astonishment of our enemies both foreign and domestic. Wonderful job I’m doing. Even the fake news CNN agrees that it is hugely unprecedented.
I write this letter not because Abraham Lincoln wrote one. I’m sure you know about it. By the way, mine is more terrific. Senator Orrin Hatch already said that I am smarter than Abraham Lincoln and George Washington put together. If you like, throw in Barack Obama. So there is no contest here. I write this letter because of something very, very important to me. I don’t want all these women coming on TV and talking trash about me to affect my boy and his relationship with women. Quite unfair! As I look at him, I’m worried that he is picking up the softness of his mother. That will be a total disaster. I want him to, instead, pick up the sternness of my beloved, Ivanka – my perpetual Miss Universe. She is a tough cookie, like her father. She is a maestro in the art of the deal.
I want my boy to be crazy enough to believe in himself and the possibilities of everything his mind conjures. That is 100 percent true. Did I mention that he is destined to be a winner? I would hate to see him toe the lines of those lightweight “monkey see, monkey do” types that are common with lazy African-American people. I want him to be as smooth as a real estate salesman, a successful one at that, not the heavily indebted Jared Kushner types. Let the failures amongst his peers waste the low energy they have (just like Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush) talking about him while he soars to great heights that his father has carved out for him from nothing. Believe me, the $1 million loan from my father in 1975 is nothing compared to the billions and billions that I have today. Teach him that humility is totally overrated. Once he knows that, it is all he needs to be unstoppable. Not even ten Robert Muellers can stop him.
I want him to grow up looking at my face on Mount Rushmore and all the luxurious monuments created in my name and admire them with pride. Teach him to measure success by how freaking tall and large his houses are, and how marvelously beautiful his women are. When all is said and done, those are the only things that matter. Frankly, the rest of human postulations, like the spirit behind the Paris Agreement, are mere superstitions. Trust me, a kiss is a more tangible commodity than a soul. Build a great wall inside him to separate him from those out-of-control simpletons who think otherwise. I bet you, he will figure out how to make those simpletons pay for the wall.
Teach him not to aim for the stars, but to be the star, the brightest that God ever created. He may be twelve now, but soon, he will know the difference. Those dumb morons who aim for the stars get burnt, but those who become a star, like reality stars – how do I say this mildly – have women throwing panties at them on stage. That is where I want my son to be – in the same orbit with Princess Diana. When it comes to women, remind him of that great quote of mine: “If you need Viagra, you’re probably with the wrong girls.” Believe me, an orgasm is the closest anyone has been to heaven.
Teach him the rules of the good life. They are incredibly important. The weak serve the strong, the cowards take orders from the brave, and the victims soak the field of the heroes with their tears. Let my boy know that for him to be in the big league, it pays to be the menace. The best scenario is always the one that makes him come out on top. By the way, let him know that the only battle lost is the one fought with empathy. Let those with sickle cell help those with seizure disorders. We the good breeds are preordained to have a perfect life. It may be shocking to people, but he should not apologize for being perfect. It is not our fault.
My whole life is about drama subdued. Teach him to be at home with drama. Let drama energize him and trigger his antennas to stay alert. There is no higher order. It is in that sphere, like on a golf course, that he will find a lot of people. Teach him to sieve the fake and bad people in the heat of the drama. Let him not cry for those who must be fired. He must learn that regret and apology are disgraceful habits. Tell him that there is always another option even after the final answer.
When it comes to his obligation to America, teach him to hold close to his heart America first. Teach him not to be lured by the antics of people from some exotic lands. Let me tell you, those crooked and dangerous types have zero American homegrown skills. Their values are incompatible with our great American values. Teach him that it is not true that any way people worship God is valid. Okay? If that were true, I wouldn’t have divorced Ivana and Maria, my first two wives. Some gods demand specific and rigorous catechism. And some other gods like their women as meek as Melania.
Let my son understand why I said that those exotic people in our country should go back home. To be honest with you, teach him that I’m trying to help them pay a debt they owe to the roads. In the words of This American Life Sef’s writer, “Every sojourner owes a debt/To the roads, the rivers/And the spirits that pilot the stars. /But the debt that lives in whispers/Is the debt of return…” You see, it is one of their own that said it, not me. My noble goal is to help them pay the debt of return.
Above all, teach my son to love himself. There is nobody bigger and better in loving himself than me, his father. Everybody likes me because of that. If he fails to love himself because of what people may say, he will end up a loser. And I don’t want my son to be a loser, like Crooked Hillary Clinton, Weak Mitt Romney, and Lying James Comey. It will be totally embarrassing if it should happen to my son. The Trumps are the best in the world.
People are telling me that my son has got my great brain, so he is as smart as his father. Your job is to pull out of him the things that make him come alive. The rest will be easy. For I know, and you know, that he is not like all those stupid lads that you teach. He will answer his father’s name – Trump the Great.
Dear teacher, do this for me, and I will give you the greatest deal of your life – a blanket pardon for past, present, and future infractions. Believe me, Paul Manafort would die for this.
Yours truly,
Donald J. Trump
The 45th President of the United States of America
